Am I Strong Enough?

Two weeks ago, I was pulled over.  I was on my way to meet a friend for coffee at a Panera Bread about an hour from my house.  I had noticed a black SUV behind me a couple of times as I drove down the four-lane artery that leads from my small town to the big city.  I was just approaching the strip mall area anchored by a Best Buy when I saw red and blue lights swirling on the black vehicle behind me.

Immediately, my heart began to race.  It was obvious that the lights were for me, but I couldn't figure out why.  At the light, I went into the left lane and turned on cue, pulling into the back lot behind Best Buy.  As I turned off the motor, I noticed a lone car that was parked contained a man who was now staring at me.  The police car pulled behind me. I sat massaging my left shoulder- waiting, feeling pretty confused and anxious.

The officer strolled to my window bending down to peer in at me.  "Hello, mam.  I pulled you over because you were swerving in your lane a bit.  It wasn't bad, but I felt I needed to check that you were okay to drive. You crossed over the yellow line a couple of times." He went on to explain that he was checking to see if I was "under the influence", and as I reached into the glove box to find my registration and insurance (Why oh why do I have this thing crammed full of pain relievers, lotion, eye drops, cough drops, ect.?), he concludes that I am not.  

I go on to say, "I have fibromyalgia." WHAT?! That's the first reason that I come up with because I have no idea why I was swerving in my lane.  He asks if it impairs my driving.  I explain that I can be a bit distracted and that I had been massaging my neck and jaw while I drove. He clarified, as if in apology, that my driving wasn't too bad, just enough that he felt he should be sure. I thanked him by saying, "This will remind me to be more aware and focused as I drive." He wished me well and asked if I knew how to get to Panera.  

Rolling up the window, watching the officer back up and pull away, I turn to where the car had been parked next to me.  It was gone.  I hadn't noticed it leaving.  I felt like crying.  My heart was still racing. I sat there a breathed, slowly counting in four and out six for several minutes. Pulling myself together, I headed for my coffee date, making sure to get a calming cup of tea instead.

I haven't written a blog post for three weeks.  I don't have a set schedule, but I would like to write one at least once a week.  I actually have several ideas that I've collected over this dry spell.  I've sat to write quite a few times, but each time it felt that my brain was full of sludge and that I just couldn't get the words out.  So, none did.

While I'm going about my day fairly normally since getting off from Cymbalta, my mornings and evenings have been more painfilled and stiff with a bit of dizziness and headache.  (This article shows pretty much all of the symptoms I'm having.) I'm off all prescription drugs (except for Vyvanse for ADD) by choice.  I'm in a constant tug-of-war within on whether I'm just trying to be strong by not take the help that Cymbalta brought or the consequences of prescription drugs are worse than the Fibro symptoms. I'm determined to give myself a year's time to see how I'm functioning and then re-evaluate. There are times, like yesterday, when I bowed out of my yoga class, that I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

I really had thought that if I went through the Fibro program at Mary Free Bed, got centered with meditation, breathwork, and yoga, and ate healthily, the Fibro issues would subside or sink into ignored corners of my life. However, they seem to be more like that glaring red and blue light swirling around me all of the time, reminding me that every aspect of me is affected. 

Thank you for visiting my blog today. 

I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  However, as you know,

my new normal means that some times I have to listen to my body and am

not able to follow through as planned. Thank you for your understanding.

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Gratitude for these Days of FULLNESS

Boy, I've had a great start to the summer.  Well, that is after the first few weeks of June.  Stress (mental, emotional, or physical strain or tension ) is known for flaring up the symptoms of fibromyalgia (pain, brain fog, insomnia, exhaustion, etc.) significantly.  For me saying goodbye to my 6th grade classes (seeing them for the first time since I'd been off and packing up my books and personal things the last weeks for May) and then on June 3rd, attending the annual SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER celebration at a wonderful watering hole downtown in the big city hit me hard.  I mean shockingly hard.  Yesterday, when telling it to a friend over coffee was the first time I had spoken of it without crying-just a little tearing up.  

Through a Fibromyalgia Chronic Pain program at Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital, a pain clinical psychologist I've been seeing during the 10-week program has been reminding me that this is a time of change.  You can be sad at the end of something and happy/excited about the start of something at the very same time.  Change = stress.  It's normal and okay that I've been struggling.

However, I'm bouncing back this week and have had FULL wonderful days since last Thursday.  Looking back, I realize just how blessed I truly am. I feel so grateful for my life just as it is at this moment.

My Blessings

This weekend, my husband and I  met with friends we hadn't seen in a couple of years.  We shared memories, shared some joys from our current lives and a few raw sorrows. We sat on the open patio at a brewery downtown Grand Rapids for three hours before the talk and energy ran out.  

I've been working out with my daughter at a local spa/gym/rehabilitation on Tuesday and Thursday nights after she's done with work.  I'm going to a yoga studio most mornings; such a great way to shake the rust and stiffness that has crept back in overnight. 

Yesterday, after yoga class, a new friend and I walked to a local coffee shop to share breakfast and life. Last night, I sat on a deck overlooking Jordan lake with fellow teachers I worked with 13 years ago sipping drinks and sharing stories. The sunshine, breeze, sparkling water, and great conversation filling me up. I drove home not even tired from the full day. 

Today, I met with some of my besties from school (first time since the last day of school last year). We laughed so much!  The sheer ease of our friendship reminding us that we will forever be bonded.

Celebration of How Things Are

This is in no way meant to show off.  In fact, it's a celebration that I'm able to do this.  What a FULL week that's filling instead of depleting me.  My creative juices are flowing, and I'm so excited for each day.  Just so many possibilities.  I am amazingly fortunate, grateful for all this chronic condition has helped me to notice the moment I'm in and relish it.  I won't lie, I have to be diligent to use all that I've learned so that my body and mind can function in a healthy way. Listening to my intuition and body is slowly becoming more a part of my instincts.  

My pain doctor from Mary Free Bed has told me that if I continue down the path of taking care of myself, that in a couple of years, I may really have changed from the brain paths that were deep, painful Fibro ruts to fresh, new roads paved in gratitude and a whole lot less pain. 

What do you do to find the blessings in your life? To, despite the pain, find the good? This is, to me, the crux of the work to heal, paving new brain paths with gratitude.

I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  

However, as you know, my new normal means that sometimes I have

to listen to my body and am not able to follow through as planned. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Click link Subscribe to Pain FULLY Living Weekly Posts by Email