FULLY Engaged Grandparenting Despite Living with Pain

Being a grandparent is one of the biggest joys that anyone can have in life. Being able to spend time with a new little love can knock your socks off when it’s been years since you last spent extended time with children. However, if you want to spend time with your grandchildren, you need to be the best you can be. Your time and your effort put in are both going to shape your grandchildren in the future - your role is key!

There are some ways that you can be a fantastic grandparent, but the key point here is that by being yourself, you are already fantastic. Your grandchildren will love spending time with you, as long as you are taking care of yourself. Chronic pain coming from Fibromyalgia can steal away special moments with your grandchild if you haven't found ways to manage it.  

Two years ago, I was overwhelmed by the symptoms of Fibromyalgia: constant, roving full-body pain, deep within the muscles and joints; utter exhaustion making any action seem herculean, and thick brain fog making my thoughts and language disjointed.  I've come a long way since that time, finding my way due to the help of a multi-disciplinary pain management program such as the one at Sound Pain Solutions.  Mine involved a pain psychologist, physical therapist, occupational therapist, and pain medical doctor, through working together, guided my journey through education on mind/body connection with how I can rewire my brain to help manage pain.

My wellness journey over these past two years has been fueled by my desire to be with my granddaughter and to be active in her life.  My current protocol using Low Dose Naltrexone, full-spectrum CBD, meditation, Yin Yoga,  swimming, taking walks, and being mindful to take breaks to rest both mind and body are allowing me to be fully engaged as a grandparent. 

Related Wellness Journey Posts:

• Giving Thanks: One Year Ago
• Living FULLY Despite Pain
• Becoming Myself Again! My Experience with LDN Part 2
• Smile Power! Emotional and Physical Healing

The Benefits of Being a FULLY Engaged Grandparent

By being able to get my FM symptoms managed and able to be more predictable and present, I am now the grandparent that I want to be.  The benefits of the time my husband and I put into our granddaughter are innumerable. (As a granddaughter who was close to my own grandparents, I know first hand how that relationship guided my life, making me strong and self-confident.) Research has shown that the connection is reciprocal.

1. Reduces depressive symptoms in both

2. Grandparents (GPs) can give exposure to experiences and ideas that otherwise might be limited.

3.  GPs give a first-hand understanding of family history.

4.  A close connection helps grandchildren develop pro-social behavior.

5. GPs keep mentally sharp, active, and live longer when regularly interacting with their grandchildren.

6. Creates a deep unconditional love for both.

How to Be a FULLY Engaged Grandparent

Communicate: To be the best grandparent, you need to communicate with the parents - ie, your children! You need to ask them their rules, their routines, and their wishes for their children so that you can play them out, too. It’s polite to ask your children what they want for their children, even with your years of experience! You may have been a parent for most of your life, but it’s time for your children to make their decisions. If you want to make sure that life runs smoothly, you need to go with their wishes. 

  

My husband and I had the opportunity to really

 get to understand my son and daughter-in-law's

parenting goals and style when they lived

with us for two years.  We have great respect 

for how they are raising our granddaughter.

They, in turn, have come to fully trust

that what we do strengthens and enhances

growing our little girl. We stay in constant communication,

even while she's with us via text, photos, audio clips, and videos.

 

 

 

Be Silly: Grandparents are great for baking and gardening and cuddles, but there is nothing wrong with a little silliness, too! You can have all of the fun with none of the responsibility, and you get to hand the sticky, glittery, jelly-filled children back to their parents at the end of the night! As the silly, fun grandparent, you can always get the attention and love from your grandchildren, and the memories you’ll make will last you a lifetime.

My husband and I take our granddaughter's lead. 

Her imagination astounds us.  

Here we are dressed ready to catch "Greenie," 

the mischievous, naughty, super-villain that seems

 to plague our house and yard.  

I used to hate role-playing and make-believe, 

but now, I find acting like a kid with her 

to be invigorating. I watch in amazement 

as I see her thoughts percolating

 behind her ever animated, blue eyes. 

Love Your Limitations: When you’re grandparenting in pain, you only need to honor your limits and respect the pain you’re in. On bad pain days, choose activities that involve more reading together, movie nights and cuddles, and on good days you can get down on the floor and play with the train set. You don't have to choose to feel guilty for respecting your limitations. You can teach your grandchildren a little patience and teach them about you at the same time.

With my husband and I both retired, we often tag team.  When I'm getting worn out, Bapa might take her for a walk to the garden to visit the white frog she's named Ghost who lives in the rain barrel there. Or he may take a snooze when she and I are doing a craft or playing a game.  But some times, especially when she spends the night, we have to let her know we need to take it easy.  We love watching kitty vs balloon videos on YouTube, read books, or watch a good movie on Disney+. (It's also a great excuse for extra snuggles!) 

Don’t Worry About The Mess: Those grandchildren of yours are going to step into your house and leave it a paint-covered, glitter-bombed showroom. You can love the mess or reject it, but the best thing to do is embrace it. The house will be loud once more, and that’s exciting!

When our granddaughter leaves, we often joke

as we look around the house

that the miniature tornado has hit; toys and dress-up

outfits are strewn everywhere.

Our new dining room table has glitter embedded

into the wood grain. There's a bit of nail polish on the

chair, but you know, we don't care. It's just

evidence that we have had a wonderful time together.

We, grandparents, are lucky to have the chance to know our grandchildren. We have the opportunity to be fully engaged when we are with them (even more so than parents who have all the responsibilities that go along with parenthood). However, some of my friends don't have the luxury that my husband and I have because their grandchildren don't live nearby. Thank goodness for technology. It's worth buying a special set up so that you are able to talk to them with video regularly. During the past few months of quarantining due to COVID-19, people are getting creative ways to use video chatting: 10 Activities to Make Family Video Calls Fun for Kids.

I'd love to start a whole section of blog posts on FULLY Engaged Grandparenting. If you have any stories, activities, suggestions, tips to being a FULLY Engaged grandparent (especially if you are also dealing with a chronic illness that can be an obstacle), I'd love for you to share them with me either in the comments section or by sending me an email (see contact me).

Thank you for visiting my blog today. 

 

I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  

However, as you know, my new normal means that sometimes 

I have to listen to my body and am not able to follow through 

as planned. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Click link Subscribe to Pain FULLY Living Weekly Posts by Email

Smile Power! Emotional and Physical Healing

This is going to sound very weird. I'm smiling while lying in bed. I'm smiling while typing these words.  I'm smiling when no one is around and there's nothing particularly amusing going on. I'm doing this after reading the book The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh a  Buddhist Monk from Vietnam who played an important role in the 1960s and beyond. When he talks about meditation, he talks about posture, breath, focus, etc. but one thing he also emphasizes is putting on a half-smile as a part of your practice. "Now, begin to follow your breath and to relax all your muscles. Concentrate on keeping your spinal column straight and on following your breath. As for everything else, let it go. Let go of everything. If you want to relax the worry-tightened muscles in your face, let the half-smile come to your face. As the half-smile appears, all the facial muscles begin to relax. The longer the smile is maintained, the better.  It is the same smile you see on the face of the Buddha (1)."

This made me curious because it's brought up a few times in the book- how smiling when meditating, leads to smiling while being mindful, leads to smiling in every moment.  I think of my resting face.  I've not ever liked it.  I look mad.  I once had a student say that they had been told I looked like the woman who hosted the 2000-2017 TV game show called The Weakest Link.  She was worried I was going to be mean and say something like, "You're the weakest link!" Ugg! That has stuck with me.

However, smiling all day does NOT come naturally for me.  When our 6th-grade level moved from a middle school building to a K-6th elementary building, everyone smiled all the time, so I tried, too.  I remember joking with my partner teacher that after the first few days my cheeks actually hurt.

I decided to look into this whole smiling thing because according to Thich Naht Hanh, it really has a major impact on our inner perceptions and also on those with whom we interact. So, I decided both to research and start this smiling thing throughout the day as much as I could remember to do it (and not make others think I was losing touch with reality).

The Science of a Smile

In the article World Smile Day-How Smiling Affects Your Brain, the author explains, "Smiling activates tiny molecules in your brain that are designed to fend off stress. These molecules, called neuropeptides, facilitate communication between neurons in your brain. Also, when you smile, your brain releases dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin. These neurotransmitters are associated with lowering your anxiety and increasing feelings of happiness. In fact, serotonin is often the chemical that anti-depressant medications attempt to regulate. This natural, feel-good chemical cocktail that your brain serves up helps you feel happier and more relaxed, and it can even lower your heart rate and blood pressure (2)."

The Hidden Power of Smiling 

Ted Talk presented by Ron Goodman

In the article What's the Science Behind the Smile? the author, Ding Li states, "This is the start of the positive feedback loop of happiness. When our smiling muscles contract, they fire a signal back to the brain, stimulating our reward system, and further increasing our level of happy hormones, or endorphins. In short, when our brain feels happy, we smile; when we smile, our brain feels happier (8) ." 

In addition to feeling happier, a 2011 study by researchers at the Face Research Laboratory at the University of Aberdeen, Scotland found that when we smile,  we actually are better looking to others! "A study published in the journal Neuropsychologia reported that seeing an attractive, smiling face activates your orbitofrontal cortex, the region in your brain that processes sensory rewards. This suggests that when you view a person smiling, you actually feel rewarded (5)."

Another study of the effects of smiling on the brain conducted in Sweden showed that it was very difficult for subjects not to smile when shown photos of people smiling.  They were told to frown at every photo with a smiling face. Participants' first natural reaction was to smile.  They had to consciously choose to frown in order to follow the directions (4). 

In the workplace, studies have shown that smiling increases the feel-good aura which in turn increases productivity as well as creativity (6). Researcher and economics professor, Andrew Oswald's found,  "Happier workers, our research found, were 12% more productive. Unhappier workers were 10% less productive (3)." 

Smiling can even help keep our bodies healthier.  Some research says it can add on years to our lives because our cells change their functioning due to our thoughts and emotions.  "When we smile, we reduce the rigidness of our cells, and this physical relaxation can help combat the risk of stress-induced cell mutations that can lead to the development or persistence of various cancers (7)." It is thought that less cellular stress allows for better balance in the body which then leads to health and overall wellness.

My Smiling Challenge

There are times a grin comes to my face naturally. Do you see the crow's feet at the sides of my eyes?  This is a true smile of happiness according to scientists, called the Duchenne Smile (6). When I'm around this kid, my face lights up to her bright smile.  I have noticed a sense of energy and happiness comes nearly every time no matter where I am physically and emotionally before she comes over.

While writing this post this morning, I received a phone call from my cousin. My uncle Bill and surrogate dad passed away today.  He was someone who never spared a smile for me. I wish right now that I had somehow captured that smile in a photo from the last time he gave it to me when we visited him and my aunt in Arizona. His smiles were always quickly followed by a hand holding or hug.  In the last year when he couldn't speak his thoughts due to Aphasia and dementia, his smile said so much, "I'm so glad to see you! I love you! You make me happy!" That smile is etched in my memory as are the countless before, but I don't want them to fade. 

My Uncle Bill playing a game (a favorite past-time),

giving his warm and mischievous half-smile.

And so, I'm going to follow Thich Nhat Hanh suggests in his book by smiling more.  I'll let you know how my experiment goes on World Smile Day, October 2, 2020. If nothing else, it will strengthen my zygomatic major muscle, which resides in the cheek and tugs the lips upward and my orbicularis oculi muscles, which encircles the eye socket and squeezes the outside corners into the shape of a crow’s foot (6). Or I'll make everyone wonder what I'm up to!  Both are worth the effort😁

Smile Resources:

1. The Miracle of Mindfulness
2. World Smile Day - How Smiling Affects Your Brain
3. Happy Workers Are More Productive
4. Smiles and What They Mean
5. There's Magic in Your Smile
6. The Psychological Study of Smiling
7. Huffington's Post: 11 Surprising Effects of Smiling
8. What's the Science Behind a Smile?

In my article The Danger of Distraction: Turning Toward Pain to Eliminate Suffering speaks to my feelings of trying to ignore difficult emotions and physical sensations.  I've seen way too much of that growing up and how it has and is damaging those I love. 

Do you smile often?  Have you ever faked a smile?  I challenge you to do the Half-smile Exercises for the next three months.  Let's see if we can bring a bit of goodness to the world.

Thank you for visiting my blog today. 

 

I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  

However, as you know, my new normal means that sometimes 

I have to listen to my body and am not able to follow through 

as planned. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Click link Subscribe to Pain FULLY Living Weekly Posts by Email