Will We Ever Return to Normal?

In this Twilight-zone-world we're living in,
getting a stylish face mask is a thing.

When I actually think about what's happening in the world, I get a disoriented feeling, like we're stuck in an episode of The Twilight Zone. 

Returning to Normal

Our loon returned to the lake we live on a few weeks ago.  This is a sure sign that summer is coming.  I say "our" because he returns year after year.  He comes before his mate to prepare the nest.  She's not here yet, but I suspect she will be soon.  Unfortunately, the weather this week is cool with even some snowflakes still falling. The lake is fully thawed, though, and today I got to see him outside my dining room window as he dove down into the cold water for his meal. At night, especially if we can have the window open, we listen to his beautiful loon calls. 
He has no idea that the world around him is different.  That the people are shut up in their homes. That the fishing boats (motorized that is) will not be bugging him for at least another 17 days per the shelter-in-place order that was made last week by our Michigan governor. No, he had no idea that there's a deadly virus that has brought our lives to a screeching halt. For him, life continues on and he has to prepare the nest so that he and his mate can make a home in which they will raise their nestlings (hopefully at least two) before leaving again in late September.
We, however, have no hope of returning to our normal any time very soon.  Our strict shelter-in-place order is until the end of April, but some are saying that the worst of the outbreak won't hit Michigan until early May.  And even when the stay-at-home order is lifted, normalcy will be a long-time-coming and probably, never again.



When we first started hearing about
"The Corona Virus" from our leaders,
statements like "We've got this under control"
never made me think we'd be at 586,057 confirmed
cases in the USA with 23,604 deaths and 43,637 recovered
as of 4/13/20.



Understating Facts 

I'm not going to mince words. I do not respect in any way our current president.  It's not a political thing (although, I confess I lean liberal). It's a person-thing.  I believe nothing he says.  His conduct during this pandemic has been dangerous and misleading from the start.  We now find out that he was formally informed as early as January 3rd that COVID-19 would make its way into the USA.  Then, late January, members of his own cabinet sent memos stating, "...coronavirus had the potential to kill hundreds of thousands of Americans and derail the US economy unless tough action was taken immediately..."-New York Times. 
On January 30th at a Michigan Rally, Trump says, “We think we have it very well under control. We have very little problem in this country at this moment — five — and those people are all recuperating successfully. But we’re working very closely with China and other countries, and we think it’s going to have a very good ending for us … that I can assure you.” Saying this is an understatement is in itself an egregious understatement.
As we celebrated the New Year, your average American had no idea what was on its way and just how this would bring us all into a real "Twilight Zone" of nothing makes sense. I could list on and on, even to this day, the understatements, incorrect information, or out-right lies our president has said about the state of COVID-19 in our country. 
Luckily, other people in authority (mostly our governors) have taken the lead on keeping the people as safe as they are able. 



One treasure we have in Michigan
is our state parks. We can still
visit many of them as long as we
maintain our social distancing protocols.
Lake Michigan and the sand dunes on a sunny day
this past week provided a much-needed reprieve. 

Social Distancing to Flatten the Curve

On March 13th in Michigan, Governor Whitmer closed all schools. For me, this is when I really understood that this was serious. The initial timeline was to close them for 3-weeks.  As time went on and Detroit became one of the cities with the highest number of people infected, it was apparent that things were only ramping up.  On April 2nd, Whitmer closed the schools for the rest of the year.  
I have not left my home area to go to a store or anything (except one aborted medical lab visit for a blood draw due to it being closed) since March 13th. My husband has done all the out in the world errands.  He found two N95 masks in his work closet.  He had bought them four years ago when he was sanding and painting the walls and ceiling of our newly built home. While he jokes that he's just into a few of the risk categories (about to turn 60, had a heart attack 20 years ago, and slight signs of asthma that is being monitored by his doctor), I'm thankful that he has that mask and is wearing it whenever he goes out.



"From Day 0 to Day 12, the U.S. was in a period of 
dramatic growth in cases, marked by a consistently high day-over-day growth in cases, exceeding 1.35x per day. Beginning only days after implementing extreme social distancing, we began to see a dramatic decline 
in the daily growth in both cases! 
Most importantly, we also see this trend 
in the mortality figures!" 



The reports are showing that the #stayhome #staysafe #savelives protocol is working.  I truly understand I have an ideal situation where I am to hunker down (wooded trails in our community's property and a lake out front).  However, we each have a role to play here and now. We each can contribute to the outcome of this horrendous event. Let us be strong. Let us be smart. Let us save lives.



This was the last time that
we got together normally. Now,
we Zoom nearly every day.
It just isn't the same.

Stressing the Good

My concern right now is the impact this time has on our little ones.  It's confusing.  My granddaughter had loved going to preschool, making good friends, and learning a lot from her talented teachers. She hung out at our house two days a week while her mom worked. All of that is has stopped for now.
She lives for holidays of any sort and two of the biggest for her, Easter and her 5th birthday, were this week. Usually, we have a big Easter egg hunt outside at our house. For her birthday, we have a large gathering, decorating the house in fairies, or trolls, kitties, or mermaids-whatever her chosen theme. But, we had to cancel it for now.
So, her mom and dad did an awesome egg hunt at their apartment and then took her to Hoffmaster State park (the photo above is from that day.) The night before her birthday, they blew up all sorts of balloons and sneaked them into her bedroom for her to see when she woke up. We zoomed as she opened presents. We played a fun charades game, too. 

We are determined to help her through this time.  Her mom has OCD and has gone through a lot of therapy to get to a place where she's not washing her hands a million times a day and constantly cleaning. So, this virus is truly her scariest dream coming into reality.  She's doing her best to keep her demons at bay and not let it affect her family.
The other day, when my son had the morning off from working as a service manager at a local grocery store, they went outside to play.  They sent me this encouraging photo.  I'm sure everyone who walked past it that day felt a surge of hope. 



We do. We got this.
Not that we can
control the virus that is taking
so many lives, but we can
and will get through this time-together.




Celebrating

And so, I'm taking this time to celebrate the good and beauty in this world.  We humans sure can make a mess of things, but we also really can bring so much wonder and love.  I am choosing to focus on that because what we focus on grows. 

This morning as I did the LovingKindness meditation (click live-link for the audio) from the MBSR (Mindfullybased Stress Reduction) Meditation course through palousemindfulness.com, I decided to send lovingkindness to President Trump.  "May you be healthy, happy, and whole. May you be safe, protected, and free from harm. May you be alive, joyful, and have inner peace."

What are you focusing on during this time? What are you bringing to fruition through your thought and action focus? What will we bring forth out of this Twilight-zone?


This post is thanks to A Chronic Voice link-up. This month, the topics were returning, understating, distancing, stressing, and celebrating. Each writer takes the given topics and gives them their own spin. Check out these wonderful writers at April 2020 Linkup (scroll past the prompts to find the linked up posts).






Thank you for visiting my blog today. 
I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  
However, as you know, my new normal means that sometimes 
I have to listen to my body and am not able
to follow through as planned. 
Thank you for your understanding.
Click link Subscribe to Pain FULLY Living Weekly Posts by Email

The Danger of Distraction: Turning Toward Pain to Eliminate Suffering

As we are all hunkered down at home, figuring out what to do with all our extra, unstructured time has been a hot topic.  Posts share activities to do alone, with our children, with others outside of our walls via technology tools such as Zoom (live meditation, book club, or family talk sessions), YouTube (online Tai Chi, house concerts, book readings), and Board Game Arena (where you can play board games online with people all over the world). 

I have friends posting the latest puzzle they've completed, new drinks they concocted with special COVID-19 satirical names, socks they've knitted, and latest movie marathon or binge-worthy show they have found.

While all of these things are wonderful, and I am so thankful to have so many options for how to spend my days while at home, I have come also to understand that it can be detrimental as well. I'm sure I'm not alone when I share that I've been feeling emotional pain (anxiety and sadness) along with physical pain-Fibromyalgia muscle and joint pain all over my body that flares up in roving areas throughout the day. When I experience pain, my goal is to always get rid of it.  I see it as bad and not a feeling I want around.  If I can be distracted from it, I chose that.

Distraction from Pain Doesn't Heal Pain

If you've been following my blog, you know that I've been taking an online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) meditation course through palousemindfulness.com. (To get a background for what I'm doing, check out this post Mind Over Matter: 21 Days of Meditation.) During week 5, I was introduced to a woman who has had a lifetime of severe pain (physical and mental), Vidyamala Burch, who has created a mindfulness program to live well with pain. She explains in her book Living Well With Pain and Illness, "When you bring awareness and curiosity to the actual experience of pain, often you find that it's not as bad as you feared."

The focus of my last two weeks has been to use meditation when I'm not feeling well (physical pain or emotional pain) to then TURN TOWARDS pain. I also just finished reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@#!$ by Mark Mason which hammered in the same premise. "In every case, we can choose to avoid our pain or choose to engage our pain. When we avoid our pain, we suffer. When we engage our pain, we grow," states Mason in his blog post My Life Philosophy.

"We suffer for the simple reason that suffering 
is biologically useful. It is nature’s preferred agent 
for inspiring change." -Mark Manson 

During my studies this past week, I was introduced to the idea of the Felt Sense which is a concept that describes internal bodily awareness that arises from increased awareness.  Basically, it is a turning towards the sensations in our body (often difficult to describe) to bring them to consciousness.  Manson suggests, "We suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically useful. It is nature’s preferred agent for inspiring change."

  

Much like the Disney movie Wall-e shows, if we were always content with no problems or pain, we'd also become complacent. With pain and need, comes innovation and solution. I'm sure if I had not developed Fibromyalgia, for example, I would not be here writing, researching, digging into knowing more about what makes me tick. I was pretty content to ignore myself.  But my 'self' wasn't having any of that. The poem, The Felt Sense Prayer, concretely illustrates how the human mind and body work together not only to protect us but to grow us.

It's a longer read, but so worth it.

Tara Brach, Psychologist, Author, Teacher, 
reads this poem and shares how she 
came to turn towards her own pain. 

Manson contends, "Like physical pain, our psychological pain is an indication of something out of equilibrium, some limitation that has been exceeded." If we then focus into that pain, becoming aware it's there, we are then able to come back to balance.  

Burch has created a 5-Step process to turn towards our pain so that we can live FULLY. "... the only authentic and sustainable way to be fully alive is to be open to all life's moments, not just the ones I prefer," she explains.  This life is short; I want to live as fully and as authentically as possible.  My years of ignoring, blocking, and last year this time, drowning in pain, has brought about a sense of discord between my body and mind.  These past three weeks of consciously turning toward pain (emotional and physical), I am noticing a sense of ease and balance blossoming within. 

Step One: Awareness

Meditation is just taking time to focus inward. For me, I focus on the feel of my breath coming in through my nostrils, down my windpipe, and into my diaphragm like a cool, silky ribbon.  Then, at the turning point of exhaling, I follow it's warmth in reverse; inevitably, my body releases a bit more into the bed, mat, chair as I do this. Getting distracted is natural. Burch explains, "You'll probably find yourself caught up in distractions hundreds of times a day, but choosing awareness even once is a victory, no matter how fleeting that moment may be." So, I've learned not to criticize myself for having a monkey-brain, but to notice and celebrate when I realize I'm off my focus point and come back to it. 

Step Two: Turn Toward the Pain

This is the time when I pick out one thing to focus on. Maybe the aching, burning pain deep in my left thigh or the tight, weighted feeling in my chest that shows up when I'm anxious. As I continue breathing, I focus on the feeling, imagining the breath to reach right there.  I may even put my hand on the main area. And then, I work to notice the sensation, being as descriptive as possible: burning, aching, sharp, sadness, loneliness, etc.  My meditation teacher, Dave Potter, says to say "I notice that there's something in me that has the feeling......" This wording allows me not to identify myself as this difficult feeling but to acknowledge that it is there.  I notice the area, size, shape, and texture of the sensation.  Sometimes it is thin and blanket-like, resting almost overtop of me. Other times, it seems to be rounded and blobby, thick as a donut. It can be sharp and hard or dull and wooden or elastic and ropey. I notice my feelings about this sensation. At this point, I work to soften my approach to it; allowing it to be.  Treating it and myself as I would a child who was hurt, being gentle and loving.

Step Three: Seeking the Pleasant

Breathing into the difficult sensations, accepting them as they are, I begin to notice minute changes in the feelings. Then, I begin to scan my body.  Starting at my toes and slowly scanning to the top of my head, I search for a pleasant sensation. At first, I really didn't get this. I have pain all the time in nearly every part of my body. However, with practice, I've gotten better at noticing the little pleasant tingle in my earlobe, or the buttery softness of the blanket that's covering me. This is not a distraction of positivity as Burch explains, "This attitude of sensitivity, openness, and honesty to the whole of your experience, including your pain, now allows you to gently turn to the pleasant aspects of the moment that have been there all along, just outside your field of awareness. You can feel stable and whole, rather than grasping for pleasure to avoid your pain."

Step Four: Broadening Focus to Develop Equanimity

At this point, after about twenty or more minutes in the above three stages, I spread my focus to encompass my whole body (noticing the pleasant and difficult sensation is still there).  Widening out, much like you do when you zoom out in Google Maps.  Focusing then on the room I'm in, still noticing my body's sensations, then widening out to the neighborhood, town, and world.  This seemed like a hoaky part of the turn towards meditation; however, I'm beginning to understand and assimilate that this is the time I realize I'm not alone in this.  I am reminded that pain is a part of the human experience. This leads to acceptance and non-judgment of my situation (equanimity).

Step Five: Learning to Respond Rather Than Reacting

I can choose my response to whatever difficult feelings I'm experiencing.  I can choose to accept and soften into it, being loving and gentle with myself. "Rather than feeling your pain is right on top of you and you're trapped in a battle that leaves no space to choose your response, you can find ways to respond creatively to any circumstances with a soft and pliant heart," teaches Brach.
This is not magic.  It takes practice, over and over.  I'll notice, hey my throat feels tight and achy.  When that happens, taking time to Turn Towards right then, makes this a choice that gets easier and easier. And as I am finding, more effective each time. 

Vidyamala Burch explains how she's learned to manage her own pain through meditation and breathwork. (21 minutes) 

Helpful Resources:

• MBSR Week 5 with Dave Potter
• Here are two (audio) guided meditations by Dave Potter that I have used again and again: Difficult Physical Pain & Difficult Emotional Pain 
• Vidyamal Burch's 5 Step Model of Mindfulness
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#@$%- Yes, he liberally uses the F-bomb, but it makes sense for the point he's making.

How do you handle difficult feelings/sensations? What do you think of Vidyamal's method of turning towards pain to live more fully?

Thank you for visiting my blog today. 

I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  

However, as you know, my new normal means that sometimes 

I have to listen to my body and am not able to follow through as planned. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Click link Subscribe to Pain FULLY Living Weekly Posts by Email

What is Your Essential? Staying Grounded during COVID-19 Pandemic

In Michigan, Governor Whitmer declared a shelter-in-place order that went into effect 3/23/20 at midnight. "The order directs Michigan residents to stay in their homes unless they’re a part of what the governor is calling 'essential infrastructure workforce," which includes health care workers, law enforcement, water and wastewater personnel, and transportation workers. In addition, residents can leave their home if they are engaged in an outdoor activity, or performing tasks necessary to the health and safety of themselves or their family, like going to the hospital or grocery store, under the order."

My son, who works at a large Michigan grocery chain, Meijer, has been declared essential and received a letter to carry to show it.

Please, keep in mind that these
essential workers are doing what
they can so that the rest of us are
able to #staysafe #stayhome.
Be Kind, patient, and flexible.

The Thursday before the shelter-in-place order, he had come down with a fever of 100o.  First, he called into work (Meijer is paying wages for anyone who has to quarantine) and then he called his doctor.  He had a sore throat for a few days prior and a gunky nose. The medical screener said that he most likely didn't have the virus due to the fever being under 103o and that should it break, he could go back to work the next day. 

Our daughter-in-law contacted us to let us know what was happening and to cancel the playdate we had planned for the day with our granddaughter.  Up until that moment, I thought I wasn't being affected by all that was going on. I started to bawl, feeling like I was outside of my body. Logically, I know that Andrew is healthy and young and doesn't fall into the at-risk group for a severe reaction to COVID-19.  But, logic wasn't a part of that gut reaction.

Fear Creates Instability

I began to feel disorientated, my chest got tight, and I could tell that I was getting panicky.  A sense of instability, like I've felt when hiking on a narrow rim of a trail traversing side of a mountain; one wrong step could cause a headlong tumble.

Thankfully, my husband came upstairs just at that moment and seeing me cry, he comforted me that Andrew would be all right by telling me what I already know. Then, he suggested we go for a walk in the woods.

Looking up into the sky through
the pine trees, makes me feel
 small yet safe.

I walked mindfully, looking up through the evergreens into the serene blue skies-focusing and taking time to really notice.  Breathing deeply, I savored in the earthy smell of damp pine needles and black soil underfoot. As the birds twittered (still want to look up what that bird was), the bright sun broke through splotchy clouds, warming our faces. I stooped down to feel the soft, cool moss on an egg-shaped rock. The emerald colors were brilliant compared to the dead brown of the oak leaves it sat in. 

Nature's early Easter Egg:)

Breathing in the cool, fresh air, slowly in and out through my nose while practicing belly breathing (diaphragmatic breathing), the unease in my chest and shoulders abated.  I began to get my footing, feeling the fear being replaced with grounding.  

The next day, his fever was gone and he went back to work that evening. That day, we had a wonderful overnight stay with my granddaughter, who lights up our lives and brings us all a sense of purpose.

Having this sweetheart
love me so unconditionally
makes me be braver and stronger.

What's Your Essential?

And so, to stay grounded, I review what is my essential. Truly essential.  For me: genuinely connecting with those I love, fortifying my health, soaking in nature, and living with purpose through my thoughts, words, and deeds are the essentials I need to live a FULL life which emanates love.

Here's what I'm practicing daily to ground (helping to heal not only myself but the world around me):

• Mediation: There are several free, on-line resources but this is one that I'm using by Jeff Warren (besides the 8-week course I'm still taking).  
• Zoom gatherings with family: We're trying to do some normal things we'd do together albeit virtually. Yesterday, we had a coloring party.  Tonight, we're all going to have a bowl of ice cream as we chat.

  

  Each of us sat at our tables and colored a picture
  while chatting away.  It seemed almost
  like they were physically in the room.

• Breathwork (a form of meditation): https://breathworksummit.com/
• Yoga: I have a subscription to Gaia.com, but also am participating in a few "live" online classes, and Yoga For Chronic Pain and Fatigue
• Writing: Poetry and my blog mostly at this time. 

• Creating and learning: photo album pages, learning to play the baritone ukulele via YouTube, studying for MSBR course, and Master Class fiction writing course.
• Reading: Currently, I'm reading The Fibro Food Formula by Dr. Ginevra Lipton and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@#$% (which I will be writing about next week most likely). 
• Connecting: I've started phone dates with my mom-in-law and friends once a week. Also, created a way for my neighbors to help one another (by sharing shopping trips, info, and things like books, puzzles, and games).
• Getting outside: so far, mostly for walks in the woods, but soon for yard clean-up, and today for a chilly kayak trip around the lake.
• Getting projects and cleaning the house that have been neglected (even though I've been retired now for one year). Today-organize the game drawer:) 

This may lead to a raucous game
of Skip-Bo for Kelley and me😁

And so, while these are scary times, I'm choosing to focus on what's essential to help me stay grounded.  This is what's important. This is what makes meaning.  This is what heals.  I feel that if we each do this, we can bring equilibrium to the worlds inside and outside of us.

Thank you to all the essential workers who are risking their own health to protect, feed, heal, supply, transport, and care.  You are so appreciated for all that you are doing. Thank you to the employers, too, that have made plans to protect and care for their employees during this time. 

What are your essentials?  How are you staying grounded?

Thank you for visiting my blog today. 

I am committing to posting once a week on Fridays.  

However, as you know, my new normal means that sometimes 

I have to listen to my body and am not able to follow through 

as planned. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Click link Subscribe to Pain FULLY Living Weekly Posts by Email